I whisper in desperation,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

To be brutally honest, my faith doesn’t always feel like it’s working.  I know this is a dangerous confession for a seasoned, long in the tooth Christian, but I know enough about God’s goodness, to be honest.  If you’ve read any of my writings or followed my faith journey for a nanosecond, then you know I tend to write with an honest pen.  My writing most likely will address some pain points in my life because writing is a form of record-keeping for me. 

The details leading up to this piece are not super important.  However, the emotional roller coaster seems to be the star of the show. 

Have you ever had to work at believing God?  If you haven’t, then keep living by faith.  Your day is coming. 

If you have, then you know all too well the spiritual tug of war that takes place in your mind.  One second you feel like a super Christian spitting scripture with the agility of a rap star.  You’re using your sleeve as a tissue because unbelief is hammering you into the dirt five minutes later. 

At the time of this writing, I’m perched on a symbolic mound of dirt, fighting back the tears. 

I have found myself constantly wringing my hands together to relieve the pressure in my cluttered mind.  I close my eyes and whisper once more,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

Why this verse?  I have no good answer except that I memorized it in childhood.  It’s my go-to when I feel anxious.  It’s also true.

Nothing about this verse feels true right now, though.  That’s the hard part of faith.  Faith is messy and painful.  It often looks like believing God for something while everything in your life works to convince you otherwise.

If you’re wondering what I’m going to do about all of this, that makes two of us.  I don’t have an elaborate plan, but I can do the following, and so can you. 

The first step is to be okay with crying.  I am human, and the tears show up whether I want them to or not. I figure it’s better to cry with God in freedom than cry alone with condemnation.

 I will also keep speaking the truth of God’s word even if nothing changes. 

I will whisper his word repeatedly, especially if doubt is present.  He is God enough to heal unbelief.

I will keep talking with God and invite his presence to surround me.  His presence is the only place we can truly be safe.

I will praise Him in my pain.  He is worthy even if the pain lingers. 

I will believe…   He is God!

Kim Jagwe, author of God’s Perfect Size™