Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

Work on Zoom really sucks sometimes!  One random Tuesday morning I lost my dignity via that ever-popular video conferencing platform.  The morning started normally.  I was dressed in under 15 minutes and commuted to my balcony where I had been teaching online lessons for weeks.  Things started off well. Parents and students were logged on and engaged in the lesson.  It all came apart when I leaned forward, reaching for my spectacularly hand-crafted paper monkeys props.  I started singing the first few bars of, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on The B…Ahhhhh…

Yep! That’s the sound I made when my portable rocker folded closed on me.  More accurately, the rocker folded forward, forcing me towards the floor.  I braced myself by anchoring both legs in the sumo squatting position.  I was able to stop my fall, however, the chair hung precariously from my butt. I was afraid to move for fear of falling over on camera.  I hovered midair for a good minute looking like a distorted crab.  The best part was I just kept singing “5 Little Monkeys Jumping on The  Bed”.  Because the lesson must go on.

Photo by Pedro da Silva on Unsplash

I was mortified when the chair fell off my butt and my body slammed into the concrete.  Everyone immediately asked if I was okay to which I answered, “MmmmHmmm, I’m fine!” Clearly I wasn’t.

The lesson ended, but my embarrassment escalated.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it that day and the days that followed.  “ Why did I lean forward like that?”  Who in their right mind would keep singing?  Why couldn’t I have just said something witty to deescalate the moment? I’m such an idiot!  On and on my thoughts looped.  I kept replaying the incident and experiencing a fresh dose of embarrassment each time. The thought of it about it caused my heart to race and my face burned.  I was stuck in a negative thought loop, reliving it mentally and physically.

This is not my first rodeo with negative thought loops.  My first serious breakup in college induced a fatalistic thought roller coaster I would have paid cash to escape.

In case you are one of those rare adult humans who have never experienced a negative thought loop, then let me enlighten you.

A negative feedback loop is a reaction that causes a decrease in function. It occurs in response to some kind of stimulus. Often, it causes the output of a system to be lessened; so, the feedback tends to stabilize the system. This can be referred to as homeostasis, as in biology, or equilibrium, as in mechanics.  (examples.yourdictionary.com)

Negative Physical Effects

You don’t need me to tell you that negative feedback loops can be detrimental to your mental wellbeing  Our bodies potentially respond like the event is happening for the first time over and over again. This means blood pressure, heart rate, and stress levels may rise with each remembrance. I’m fairly sure my cortisol levels were through the roof for several days.

Erodes Decision Making

It’s so difficult to think rationally when you have a folding rocker stuck to your butt.  The mental aftermath wasn’t any better.  Now imagine someone constantly berating themselves over body image issue, loss, betrayal, or getting caught on Zoom without pants.  (Thank God I had pants on that day.)

Healthy thoughts would normally swoop in and tell you it’s going to be okay; you’re okay.  Your negative thought loop quickly chokes out any kind of healthy reasoning.  For the life of me, I could not let it go. I kept replaying the chair consuming my backside and my decision to keep singing about monkeys.  Really?

Decision-making paralysis, also called analysis paralysis can keep us stuck in a negative headspace rehearsing the same faux pas and feelings incessantly.

Analysis paralysis (or paralysis by analysis) describes an individual or group process when over analyzing or overthinking a situation can cause forward motion or decision-making to become “paralyzed”, meaning that no solution or course of action is decided upon. (Wikipedia)

Analysis paralysis works in tandem with the negative feedback Loop.  Together they keep you mentally stuck and make it exceedingly difficult to reason your way out.

Here’s a bit of good news.  You don’t have to remain trapped in a negative thought loop. There are ways to break free.  If you tend to beat yourself up with the skill of a prized fighter then add the following five steps to your mental arsenal.  You’re going to need them.

1. Tweak Your Thoughts

Look outside of the negative thought loop and analyze the thought as a surgeon would.  Reason through what impact the incident or event will have on your life 1 month from now, 1 year, 10 years, and so on. You will likely discover that its impact is short term.  After a period of time, none of it will matter.  Once you’ve done that go back to the thought and tweak it.  For my embarrassing moment, I replayed the thought and internally said, “So you felt like a loser at the time.  You were okay leading up the folding chair which means this is temporary.  I told myself the lesson was more fun because of it. I also realized by the time I see these people in person, they will have forgotten.  Even if you see that in person, you’ll be better prepared to respond.” I used this method to break my loop.  It’s worth a try if you are really stuck.

2.  Do Something- Anything!

This one makes a lot of sense but can be hard to remember in crisis mode.  The best advice I can give is to have a plan in place before it happens.  List all the ways you normally like to destress that do not involve booze and bread.  These two will just add to your stress later, when your pants split or you’re sitting in a circle saying, “Hi my name is”.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

A.  Get Physical

Go for a run, play golf, learn a new Tick Tock (If it’s not banned at the time of this reading.).  Do something that gets you out of your head and in motion

B.  Get Mental

Play a game, work on a puzzle, listen to music, call that talkative friend who never lets you get a word in. Make the call only if you clearly understand that you are not allowed the bring up “the issue”, Got it?!

C.  Get Spiritual

Use this time to quiet your mind and body.  If the negative thought presents itself, speak to it peacefully and pray about it in a positive way then return to a meditative/prayerful state away from the thought loop.

Photo by Dushane white on Unsplash

3.  Embrace the Mess

Instead of giving so much headspace to your negative thoughts, set an alarm, and reserve time to deal with them.  Plan for yourself.  It looks something like this:  At 5:00 pm I’m going to allow myself 30 minutes to think about this.  Keep your commitment and show up with a set timer.  Once that thirty-minute session is up, say out loud I will meet you back here tomorrow at 5:00  Weird?  Possibly!  If it keeps you from obsessing all day long, I say do it!

4.  Write It Out

If you’ve read any of my work, then you know I’m a big advocate for writing your feelings out.  I know it sounds very “Hallmarkish”, but it can work.  Just grab some paper and write what you are feeling physically, and emotionally.  Describe the incident and how it affected you. If the feedback loop returns 5 times, write about all five times.  Write out what you wish you had done, and what is in your power to do now.  Make a plan if your feedback loop consists of an ongoing issue such as body image. The only rule is to be 100% honest.  If you know you are not going to eat more or less, write it down.  If you felt like an idiot at that moment, record it.  Write how you felt like an overweight crab stuck in the sand… oh wait, that’s me.  Scratch that!  Write until your hand cramps and forces you to think of something else or keep journaling until you feel empty of its negative power.  Just write!

5.  Therapy

Negative thought loops are a part of life.  Almost every human on the planet experiences them.  It’s a normal part of the human condition.  If you camp out for several weeks and months or longer, it’s time to get professional help.  Admitting you need help takes courage.  Even if you care about what everyone else will think, do it anyways.  You want to be free.  You have a real chance at recovery and feeling better.  That’s way more powerful than someone’s momentary judgment.  And soon as you are feeling better you can drop that judgmental jerk or set boundaries when dealing with them in the future.

Also, money shouldn’t be an issue. There are hotlines, local organizations, and support groups at your fingertips.  Call your local health department to get connected with resources in your area.  There is a national helpline you can call day or night all year long.  The call is free, and your health is priceless.  Here’s the number.  Use it!  We are all broken humans doing the best we can.  Never be afraid to try something that helps you heal.  You are worth it. We all are!

1-800-487-4889

As always, I wish you unshakable faith, wealth beyond measure, and laughter till it hurts and peace in your spirit!

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