True story… I have been a hostage of others people’s perceptions and opinions most of my life.  That’s saying a lot, since I am at the midlife portion of my existence.  For years it was pure torture  trying to live up to everyone’s expectations and fearing their disappointment.  Because of the pressure, I was often tortured by hateful self talks when I messed up.  I feared doing things I really wanted to do and I often experienced trepidation over showing others who I really am because they might reject me.  It started in my elementary school years and grew from there.  Pain and abandonment happened early on in my life.  It created the perfect storm of low self esteem and fear of rejection.  Though I will not go into all the details in this blog, I know that their are others- maybe even you, who have survived horrific abuse yet years later, remain trapped in a mental prison you didn’t create but cannot escape.  It’s not okay that it happened.  It’s not okay that it is still hurting you. BUT,  it is okay that you realize the truth and want real change .  That is absolutely okay! It took me decades to reach that point.   Even though I am still in the healing process, I am experiencing real freedom for the first time in my life- and it is liberating! .

My life has been leading up to this confession and writing this particular blog.  A few years ago I shared with my husband that when people reject me, I feel like I can’t breath because the pain is so intense.  Sometimes it wasn’t overt rejection that would bring it on.  Often it was as simple as not getting invited to an event a circle of my friends were all going to or someone not speaking to me in passing.  I would view those events as tragic. In my mind they were rejecting me as a whole.   When that happened, my entire mood would change.  I often wondered what I had done to make them reject me.  By the end of those cyclical mental processes I was spent, depressed and on most occasions I turned to food for comfort.  Hence, my constant battle with weight.  So what changed???

A series of small but consistent changes in my thought patterns.  Before we go further, this blog is not a ten easy steps blog.  I wish it were that simple.  It has been a slow and arduous process.  And yes, it has been painful as well.  I attribute my single greatest “AH HA” moment to something I realized during my bible study.  It was so profound, I ran through the house yelling the good news to my family.  My kids and husband stared wide eyed and open mouthed as I stumbled to get the words out.  “Remember when I told you that (*name changed)  Zee, disowned me when I was a kid??  Well that has tortured and defined my whole life!  I was just reading how Jesus prayed for his disciples and all believers and guess what he said!!!”  Blank stares from my family, but that didn’t deter me.  “He said,   “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. (John Ch. 17)”  Still more blank stares.  ”  I repeated the key words because they weren’t getting it.  “He said, THOSE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME!”  That means, the person who disowned me as a kid, never owned me to begin with.  The pain of that person discarding me as trash has been controlling me only because I allowed it.  I don’ t belong to them.  I never did!! I belong to God!!!!!”

Crazy as it sounds, I am not owned by anyone on this planet.  I am my Father’s daughter ALONE.  The realization that God loves me,  and he wants me, changed everything.  From that point on, I  started a new journey; knowing that I, Kim Jagwe, am wanted and loved by Jesus, the one who came to find me!  Since that “ah ha” moment, I still occasionally lapse into panic and fear of others disapproval, however, I no longer wallow in it.  I get up and stand on my truth!   Rejection is a part of life and it will come.  When it does, I acknowledge it, cry if I need to.  Pray for myself and remember who I really belong to.  He (God) is able to make me stand!  He can do it for you too.

My hubby has been my accountability partner on this journey.  He reminds me of my truth when I hurt too much to remember.  He does not enable my tendency to sulk or self sabotage. He always prays for me and loves me fiercely.  Through the years I  have also (UNASHAMEDLY) received professional and church counseling, because some things you just can’t shake off! #TRUTH!

If you are stuck in the pain of other peoples perceptions and ills against you, get help!  We live in an age where you can get counseling over the phone or internet.  Many churches offer counseling support and often times free of charge.  I also, encourage you to find an accountability partner.  They need to be mentally grounded, completely trustworthy and a battle tested confidant.  Not everyone can handle or hold your truth!

Yesterday, a friend posted  a status update on Facebook.  It touched my soul and acted as a mirror on my journey.  Kayla gave me permission to share her post here.  I hope it makes you smile and reflect just a bit.  Are you living your truth fearlessly?  If not, today is the perfect day to update your status!

By Grace, © I wish you unshakeable faith, wealth beyond measure and laughter ’til it hurts.

Kim J.

Photos and text , all rights reserved.  To use with permission, contact Solomon Jagwe at www.sowl.com